There are many peculiar and interesting species of cell phone user for one to discover and observe in the civilized wild. Here are some you may encounter in your travels. (Please approach them with caution, as some startle easily.)
Manibus inutilis: Despite being in possession of a hands free cellphone apparatus, this species chooses to use one hand (or both hands) to conduct their cellphone conversations. You will often observe them holding the cellphone in one hand while holding the microphone close to their mouth with the other hand. This peculiar habit leaves scientists confounded.
Distractae tweenus: Usually congregating in groups of three or four, the youth of this species can often be found walking or sitting together while texting, tweeting, or instagraming. They rarely look each other in the eye and struggle to type complete words and sentences—preferring instead to use acronyms and a digital form of hieroglyphics called “emojis.”
Volumes maximus: These exceptionally loud cell phone talkers are most readily identified in confined spaces like elevators, train cars, and waiting rooms. Quite often they are engaged in a heated argument, bragging, or sharing embarrassingly personal information. At other times, you’ll find them shouting that they’re about to loose their signal and then, “Hello? Hello? HELLO!?”
Accidentae inevitabilitae: Members of this species, which has been enjoying a marked increase in its population of late, can be found looking down at their devices while operating a moving vehicle. Despite environmental deterrents such as moving violations and the frenzied honks of fellow motorists, they are stubbornly addicted to driving while distracted.
Rudis interrupterus: When dining or conversing with other members of the species, this group will often interrupt the meal or conversation to accept a non-urgent phone call or interact with their phone in some way (e.g., to send an e-mail, check Facebook, post on Twitter, etc.).
Clamor inconsideratus: Completely oblivious to those around them, members of this species enjoy playing games on their phones with all the annoying sounds turned up to maximum volume. They are oblivious to the sighs, stares, and rolling eyes of those around them.
Mobilis addicticae: A troubled and complicated species, they are constantly migrating in search of a power source or wifi signal. Once their battery life drops below 65%, they become visibly anxious. They also display classic withdrawal symptoms when forced to separate from their device—becoming despondent, nervous, or irritable.
Oculi avertere: Much like bats, members of this species do not rely on their eyes to navigate their habitat. Instead, their attention remains affixed to their phones while walking—even on busy streets and through dangerous intersections. Scientists are trying to determine if a mode of sonar is being employed. Studies have been inconclusive to date, as few participants can look up from their device for long enough to be questioned.