This is Dick C. O’Neary reporting to you live from LexiCon—the national word convention. Wordsmiths, word enthusiasts, and terminologists from all over the country have gathered here to immerse themselves in all manner of vocabulary-building activities and language competitions, to witness the latest advancements in neologism, and to hopefully get a glimpse of their favorite buzzwords.
Just a few moments ago I spoke to pop icons Hashtag, Trending, and Selfie. They were refreshingly humble. Hashtag and Trending told me that they are hoping to use their newfound fame to shine a light on important issues, spark debate, and promote social change. They are heavily involved in philanthropic endeavors—especially wanting to be a voice for those words that have been relegated to the margins of literary society. Selfie agreed, with a distracted nod, but then left the interview to tweet a photo to her fans.
Of course not all is fun and word games at LexiCon. After last year’s unfortunate “incident,” Twerk has been banned from attending the event for five years. Given her reputation, there is a lot of speculation as to whether she will show up despite the restraining order and what font she will be wearing.
Sadly, twins Vase (pronounced vāz) and Vase (pronounced väz) continue their bitter feud and have written each other off. In what will inevitably become a landmark case, they have each petitioned the Dictionary Court for sole pronunciation custody in next year’s edition. I suspect the alternate articulations of potato, tomato, and foyer will follow the proceedings with great interest.
Although granted provisional accreditation from Merriam-Webster since the early twentieth century, Irregardless has not been invited to participate in LexiCon this year. It is a controversial though not unexpected decision, as many continue to doubt the authenticity of his linguistic credentials—namely, his first-use certificate.
Fans were dismayed by the circulating rumors that the beloved band The Conjunctions might be breaking up. Apparently Nor has become an eccentric recluse, and Yet, For, and So claim that And, But, and Or have become too conceited to work with. If the rumors are true, the band’s dissolution would mark the end of an era. According to Rolling Tome Magazine, their album Conjunction Junction remains the number one best-selling record of all time.
Of course this event would not be complete without some political controversy. The Read Party has staged a sit-in to promote their Universal Literacy campaign. However, The Librarians think it should be a sit-and-read-in, claiming that most participants at a sit-in just talk or watch videos on their electronic devices.
The tensions between MASC (Mothers Against Serial Commas) and the NAASC (National Association for the Advancement of Serial Commas) have become a ubiquitous presence at LexiCon—each group distributing pamphlets outlining their beliefs on responsible comma usage.
In a bold move, Pro Preposition activists have vowed to boycott LexiCon until new legislation is passed granting all words equal title capitalization rights. But despite receiving support from a few slogans and platitudes, their agenda has not gained much popular support. Most Grammarians believe that the First/Last Word Act provides adequate opportunity for all parts of speech to experience title capitalization. Words on both sides of the argument do agree on one thing, however: They detest the tendency of certain individuals and style guides to capitalize all letters so as to avoid adhering to (or figuring out) the appropriate headline and title capitalization rules.
In relationship news, Cautiously and Optimistic held a press conference yesterday to announce that they have filed for divorce. Apparently their marriage has been rocky for a number of years, but (and ironically) they were cautiously optimistic that they could resolve their differences with intensive couples editing. Despite their best efforts, however, the stress of becoming a cliché proved to be more than their relationship could handle. They are parting under amicable terms, and with the full support of their two children, Confidence and Prudence.
Finally, the biggest story at LexiCon is by no means a surprise. Having received a record number of nominations (and by unanimous vote), Love has been awarded the Noble Prize for her inspirational and humanitarian efforts. She accepted the honor with great magnanimity and humility, thanking her partners Faith and Hope and vowing that all three would continue their good works.