Against Myself

On a bad day, I am a danger to myself. I am self-calamitous. I get in my own way. I am an internal obstacle—a self-impediment. On a bad day, I am my own archrival and nemesis. My decisions and actions—or lack thereof—undermine my best efforts and intentions. I sink into each failure like quicksand. I suffocate my creative children in the womb of my mind. I fill my own thoughts with doubts that make me pause. I am a self-deterrent. I ask myself to turn away from what I want.

I have my ways—sinister and subtle. I procrastinate. I distract. I sleep-deprive. I fill my mental artillery with weapons of mass destruction. There are critic grenades and dream-seeking missiles. There is the A-bomb—A for apathy. There are the semi-automatic assault rifles pre-loaded with bullet points of doubt. And there is an army of insecurity at the ready—just waiting to begin the onslaught.

On a bad day, I am not safe. I cannot be trusted to act in my own best interest. On a bad day I act as though I don’t or can’t want good things for myself. I thwart my own success. I hide landmines along the route I plan to take. I collect the casualties, each a spectre of my true self.

Where is the root of this inner anarchy? Planted in fear and watered with large droplets of doubt. Why do I wage such a cold war against myself? Panic attacked first.

On a good day, I serve as my own protection and fight against self-destruction. Rebels for hope defend my dreams and negotiate for inner peace. They shelter my creativity. They resolve my inner conflict with ambitious acts of diplomacy.

On a good day, I live unopposed to myself. I am my own biggest fan instead of my most unforgiving critic. I accept my successes and don’t dwell on my failures. I walk the streets of my imagination without fear of being mugged by doubt—without the threat of having my creative currency stolen from me by me.

On a good day, I live at peace with myself—full of dreams rather than regrets for who and what I could be. I encourage my potential. I do not betray myself. On a good day, I can feel the love—self-love included. On a good day, I am hopeful and satisfied. On a good day, I am enough.

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6 thoughts on “Against Myself

  1. “I walk the streets of my imagination without fear of being mugged by doubt—”
    excuse the language, but frolicking awesome!!!! And the next line is also insane!
    This is a very strong piece. Question: Does it at all reflect the current political debate?

    Like

    • Julie,

      Thanks! As to your questions, it wasn’t intended to. I wrote it from a completely internal perspective. But I would never tell a reader what to take or what not to take from a piece of writing. So see in it whatever you will.

      Like

  2. Pingback: The Problem with Insecurity | Write Away

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